Loss of a Loved One

[Jeanne]

Driving into work this morning, I heard the song "Something to belive in" by Poison (Yes, I am an 80's fanatic). Part of the song talks about how his friend died. This got me thinking about Kelli's loss of her son Hayden, which happened 1 year ago today. And, it also got me thinking about the loss of my Father which happened on Feb 7, 1999.

My Father died of Lung Cancer at the early age of 62. But his story is a sad one. It all started in Nov 1996. It started by him "Seeing" things that weren't actually there, saying weird things like that he saw someone whom had been dead for many many years. This got really bad over about 2 weeks, then he was diagnosed with Dementia. Anybody who has know someone with this disease knows it is extremely difficult on the person with the disease as well as for their loved ones. I remember many nights of coming home finding him in the cellar looking for his bedroom and having to explain to him why it wasn't down there. Or, trying to tell him that his childhood friend wasn't really alive anymore, etc.

After a few weeks, this progressed and things got MUCH worse. I was at work one day when I saw my brother in law and my boss walking towards me with a horrible look on their faces, I knew that something terrible had happened to my father, I immediately fell to my knees crying. It turns out my father was in the E.R. because he was sitting at the table at home with my Mom, when he looked up to the ceiling and fell over backwards shaking uncontrollably.

We found out he had a Grand Maul Seizure and a Stroke at the same time. I remember getting to the E.R. and seeing my father lying on the bed in the fetal position. I have never been so scared in my life! I totally lost control of my body and fell to the floor. Seeing my father, a Strong Man, as vulnerable as a child. He spent the next month in the hospital having tests done, etc. All that time, all he wanted was to go home. He didn't know what was going on because of the Dementia. Everytime my Mother or one of us (His Children) would leave he would want to go with us, and when we said he couldn't it broke his heart, he thought we were leaving him there and couldn't understand why. A few times I would go visit him and the nurses would have him in restraints! One time, they had him in an adult High Chair like he was a child! I was never so mad in my life! I immediately called my mother who came right down and took care of the situation. After that, Either my Mother or one of us kids would be there with him 24 hours a day so that wouldn't have to happen again.

Christmas Eve came, and he was still in the hospital. What a horrible Holiday that was for all of us, 18 people at my sisters house trying to be jolly. All of a sudden the phone rings and it was one of the nurses at the Hospital, my father wanted to talk to us to see why he couldn't be with us on Christmas Eve? He actually though we didn't want him with us, he didn't know he was sick. Hoe do you explain to your father who thinks he is perfectly healthy that he can't be with his family on Christmas?

In Feb, after extensive tests, they found a Tumor in my fathers lungs. He died about 2 weeks later. My Father never did come home, which was all he ever wanted to do.

I am writing this because I wish I could tell my father I Love him one more time. If you have a child, a mother/father, or anyone that means anything to you, PLEASE make sure they know how you feel! No matter how long you think life is, it always turns out too short in the end.

 

[Grinning Geckos]

I need to digest this for a bit, but thank you for sharing your story Jeanne. Both you and Kelli are in my thoughts today.

 

[Jeanne]

I was talking to Kelli yesterday and she was wondering if the "Hole" will every get better. It gets better but it will always be there.

I saw some horrible things when my father was sick, things that I wouldn't wish on my worst ememy. I left a few things out of the post, just because, I was starting to cry while writing it and I am at work, I can't be crying at work.

The point is, life is soooo short, Don't sweat the small things and Love with all your Heart

 

[rrhill]

Wow, sometimes reality is a lot to deal with and I know all of us do deal with it in different ways.
I have lost both sets of grandparents in the last 4 years or so. I have felt guilty about not being there for the last few years of their life. I still have the last letter my grandmother wrote to me telling me how much she looked forward to me coming home for Christmas. I ended up not going home because I was too "busy". I figured I could see her when I headed that way during the summer or spring break. She died at the end of the following March (1 week before spring break). I have learned you should never be too busy for family. I still have some inner debate about how I will be making more time for my family & yet still have time for doing things I love (like keeping all these damn animals...lol).
As my dad said once, don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. Yeah, he is a little weird.

 

[Jeanne]

Wow, sometimes reality is a lot to deal with and I know all of us do deal with it in different ways.
I have lost both sets of grandparents in the last 4 years or so. I have felt guilty about not being there for the last few years of their life. I still have the last letter my grandmother wrote to me telling me how much she looked forward to me coming home for Christmas. I ended up not going home because I was too "busy". I figured I could see her when I headed that way during the summer or spring break. She died at the end of the following March (1 week before spring break). I have learned you should never be too busy for family. I still have some inner debate about how I will be making more time for my family & yet still have time for doing things I love (like keeping all these damn animals...lol).
As my dad said once, don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. Yeah, he is a little weird.

I am so sorry about your Grand Parents, I know what you mean about wishing you spent more time with them. I always do the same thing. You always think there will be a next time to visit. But, unfortunately, there isn't always a next time.

 

[RoseT]

wow.. I started to cry reading your story. It must of be so hard to go threw that.....and im glad you make it threw it or we wouldn't have you here.:main_yes:

 

[Dee]

I was talking to Kelli yesterday and she was wondering if the "Hole" will every get better. It gets better but it will always be there.

I saw some horrible things when my father was sick, things that I wouldn't wish on my worst ememy. I left a few things out of the post, just because, I was starting to cry while writing it and I am at work, I can't be crying at work.

The point is, life is soooo short, Don't sweat the small things and Love with all your Heart

One week from today will be nineteen years since my wonderful father passed, after three years of struggling with cancer. I was nine years old. While we all expect to lose our parents someday, we don't expect it to be that early, and at only thirty-six years of age. Father's Day is always very difficult for me as that particular hospital visit is one of the last clear memories I have of my father before his passing. It's part of the reason I posted the Happy Father's Day thread -- to recognize all the other dads, because my own is no longer here.

Jeanne, you stated that perfectly: the hole never goes away, it only gradually gets easier as you go. I've always said you never get over a loss like that, you just learn to live with it.

Don't dwell on the what-ifs and the I-nevers -- just remember that they knew you loved them anyways.

 

[RaiQuee]

Two years ago, three coming this year, My aunt died of Lou Garitz (sp?) disease. It started as a tingle in her leg, nothing more. This disease eats away at the tissue in the human body. I practically watched my aunt die for 4 years, it was very tramatizing. There was no cure, and she knew it. She knew for 4 years, that she was going to die slowly and painfully. It got to the point where she couldn't eat. She had no control over the muscles in her throat.

On October 20th, my aunt died because the muscles in her lungs could no longer function. My aunt suffocated to death in her sleep.

She is always in my thoughts, and I love her.

 

[Cory]

Kelli is very close to my thoughts and heart today. My Mother passed away Jan 1st this year due to complications resulting from the car accident she and her two sisters were involved in 3 week prior to x-mas at the far too young age of 57. I still do things like pick up the phone to call her if Gabe does something new or cute... my wedding is coming up in 6 weeks and while it will be a joyous day for myself and Dee, it will be marked by the many loved ones who will only be there in spirit.... my Mom, Dee's Dad, my Uncle who I lost to cancer 2 years ago, grandparents and friends....

They never ever go away....

 

[Jungle Habitats Plastics]

while i havent lost a close family member in the sense some of you hve I have been dealing with things here for 3 yrs now . I grew up as the "black sheep of the family" quit school when i was 15 ( brother & sister both got 4 yr degrees) I went to work. I became somewhat reclusive t my family , not that i didnt love them but out of the shame i felt i brought to them for not going anywhere like my brother & sister , I was the one that didnt have that paper in a frame hanging behind my desk. I spent the better part of 12 years avoiding holidays & always came up with a xcuse as to why i couldnt be there. During these time i had started my own remodel & construction company which i did run successfully for over 11 years untill i got a call from my dad in the fall of 2001. See both my mom & dad as am I are smokers , He called to tell me my mom had been diagnosed with type two emphasima & COPD ( both lung disease) I spent the next year acting like NOTHING was wrong and lyingtomyself that my mother wasnt sick. christmas of 2001 I came to visit my parents with the family. My mom and dad had always enjoyed camping and going to the blueridge pakway on day long trips of watching leaves turn. I wlked into the house this day to see my mother sitting in her favorite chair 20 lbs lighter then i had sen her last. After spending two weeks with my parnents I went back t Raleigh & finished up a few jobs i was working on and sold my buisness and shop and called my father to tell him i was comming back home. See my father is a simple man who worked all his life and lived paycheck to paycheck like most do. Withmy moms medial condtins the bills came every day and so did the meds . Her neds run 1100 a month and the great goverment thanks to bush has changed medicare so that while my moms old ebough to get it they have a two yr waitig period for it !!!so my mom n dads were struggling to make ends meet. When i moved here in the summer of 2002 I went by the mans house they rent from and handed him 19K cash to pay off the trailer my parents were living in . and started assuming the role they had done for me so many years of paying bills and medcal expenses. Over the next 2 years i would exhaust over 45k from my selling of the company and shop to make my parents life somewhat better. While I knew what her medical status was it really sank in over my time here with my mom seeing her go from being able to work and having coughing spells so bad she couldnt breath coughing up pcs of waht turned outto be her lung tissue that had died off. Last sprin i took her for a followup test to enabl her for medicare and to get back from uncle sam what she paid in for over 60 years of life. the doctor came out to talk to me in the lobby of his office and told me to have aseat. He then explained that my mother has the lungs of a 140yr old female ( ifthats possible) and less then 30% lung capicty which ment she would need t be on oxygen 24 hrs a day the rest of her life. Every day is a struggle to see a woman so beautiful nd full of life just a few short year ago loose over 40lbs and become frail and exhausted all the time . Shes has slowl become adapted to her 40 ft hose and her oxygen tanks but i have not. There are no more family vcations , days on the lake riding in the sun or things we took for granted like going o see the family on holidays and spending time wit her 4 grandkids which she can do but limited time without becomming windedand going into coughing spells that last for 2o mins solid and leave her totally wore out. Now I think alot of what the doctor told me that my father has told me notto tell my brother & sister ... that my mom may have 6 months or 6 yrs left theres no way of knowing. Her lungs are so damaged they wil never recover and she will stay on 02 the rest of her life. and that she will only et worse as time goes by. Since xmas of 2005 i have known this but have been sworn by my father to not tell anyone because mom doesnt wnt to worry us . All her life her kids have been the most importnt thing to her and it pains me to know so many years i wa so selfish to not include my family in my life. and that now i come back and see my mom going through so much . I would gladly take her pain away if i could nd take it onmyself. they just went to see her mom last week and took my son with them to the beach for one week this year my mom was able to spend it with her mom on mothers day . the came back home and mom spoent the better part of a week getting better as much of anything wears her down. I am proud to say that now eveythingi do revolves around my family and friends as it took me mny years to se that no matter what family is nd always will be ther for you untill the end . so i must agree with those who stated to make sure to tell everyone around yo that you love them tellem everyday because the next could be the last day. Had i known or would have admitted what i was told i would have changed my ways years ago and been more family minded but i didnt and i kick myself for not bein able to do the things i should have as son , My mom always waned to see the grand canyon before she dies and she never will be able to due to the heat of the area which she cnt endure days of 75 degrees wears her out just when she wteres her flowers on the porch. I so wont her to be able to see the thing she wants most inlife before she gets worse off and send her to the grand canyon if only to have her fly over it to look down on one of gods most beautiful sites. But for now thats just a dream ( mom wont fly lol )

So kelly while i hvent lost anyone yet the day is comming that i know i will walk into my moms room one day and she wont be there anylonger when that day comes i hope to have even 1 10th of the power you have and show in the loss of Hayden I know when my mom leaves me I will go into a hell spin of guilt for nt being here more and sooner for her.

most of this was typed in tears so m sure there will be lots of unlegible typos ... deal with them ... i do lol


call your loved ones and tell them how much they mean to you because life is taken for granted and its one thing that should never be tken for granted EVER !

 

[Jeanne]

Alan,

Thank you soo much for this post. I am so Happy to know that you are spending this time with your family, too many people don't and when it is too late they wish they did.

I am so sorry about your Mom, My father had emphysema as well, but not to the extent as your Mom. As for not telling your family what is happening with your Mom, yes, maybe you shouldn't tell them, but maybe you should convince them that they may want to spend more time with her before it is too late.

My Mother just told me last night that she really wants to go to Niagara Falls, she said that she has always wanted to go there, I didn't know this. I am going to start looking around for ways for her and I and some other family members to go together.

Aren't there bus tours that go to the Grand Canyon? Can't she do that? I would find a way no matter what to make sure she gets there. I just did a Google on it, here's a link:

http://www.tourvacationstogo.com/grand_canyon_tours.cfm?source=googleN